Demon Fighting - Before you begin
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Welcome friend, you
have chosen Option B, demon fighting. This course covers the basics you need to get started and gives advice for tackling an assortment of beasties. |
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The first thing to do is get
properly kitted out. Although functionality is a consideration, the main concern when choosing kit should always be to look good... |
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| 1) |
Glasses — some demons still hold true to the old rule of not hitting a man in glasses. |
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| 2) |
White vest and briefs — these are simply to give you that masculine edge. |
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| 3) |
Light sabre — an elegant weapon for the more civilised demon warrior. More effective than a sword and also safer as it's made of plastic. |
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Cowboy hat — style is very important, remember. You want to look your best as you're being torn to pieces limb by limb. |
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| 1) |
Very big red hair — an over-sized mane of red, curly locks makes the female warrior look incredibly beautiful and graceful in battle. |
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Assorted Weaponry — you must always carry an unnecessarily large number of killing instruments. |
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| 3) |
Hockey Stick — the lady warrior's weapon of choice, most effectively applied with an upwards sweeping motion aimed directly between the legs of the victim. |
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Mystic amulet thingy — no-one knows what these do, but they're essential for any female warrior wannabe. They do look cool. |
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Visible flesh and high heels — used to attract and lure demons to within striking range. |
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The smallest group
of demons are the 'Micro Beasts'. These are barely bigger than a tall man and only 50x as strong, so they're good to start on. |
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Bellymouths and rasptongues look
very different, but they have the same basic weakness. Follow these 3 simple rules. |
 
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| 1) |
Peg your nose. One sniff of these
aromatic stomach-churners and you'll fall madly in love with them. What happens next isn't pretty to say the least, so peg that nose. |
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| 2) | Run around them 8 times. They'll try to follow with their tongues. | ||
| 3) |
On the 8th circuit the tongue
will tire and loll while they recoup their energy. At this point pin the tongue to the ground with a jam-coated spike and retreat. |
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| 4) |
They hate jam so much that
they'll bit off their own tongue and bleed to death. |
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Avoid the blood as it gushes from
the writhing stump as it tends to melt away time in the near vicinity of the dying beast. |
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| 1) Most effective technique
is the good old-fashioned slaying with a broad sword. 2) You must slice the head clean off on your first go as these creatures possess a grow-new-head-from-partial-wound defense mechanism. |
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Battle strategy against a limbmuncher | ||
| 1) | Impossible to defeat
single-handedly — send in a friend to distract it. |
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| 2) | Limbmunchers always tear off the arms and legs first. | ||
| 3) | Allow it to do this - it'll then
sit down and start munching for about 38 seconds before going back for the head. |
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| 4) | This gives you a 38 second window
of opportunity to get up close and slice its head off. |
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| "Disguise
Demons" aren't particularly scary to look at. But they're a real pain in the butt because the can impersonate or hide themselves in humans. |
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| 1) | Human host ingests larvae egg, which grows and
develops inside the body. |
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| 2) | Recognising one — the host often
develops an unusual taste for 80s music such as Banarama and Duran Duran (also, hands and ears fall off). |
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| 3) | Killing them — they can't survive
without a human host, so all you've got to do is coax them out. |
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| 4) | The best method is to play Justin Timberlake's
Like I Love You on repeat at high volume. |
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| 5) | The belly burster will eventually leave the
host by bursting through the stomach — this is known as evacuation. |
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1) | As the name suggests, they have
the ability to take different forms. They devour the victim (feet first) before assuming their form. |
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| 2) | Often disguised as close friends, pets and minor celebrities. | ||
| 3) | Tricky to spot — the secret is
they always have the same volume. So watch for friends or pets suddenly gaining or losing weight (and height). |
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| 4) | Killing them — get them to turn
into an inanimate object, like a fridge — this transformation is irreversible as the object doesn't have a brain to think to turn back. Try to initiate a "pretending to be a fridge" competition or similar. |
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| Real big demons can
cause problems. Not only are they really big, but they're also really tall and heavy too. Here are some pointers. |
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| All really big demons have obscure
and unlikely weaknesses which allow the knowledgeable (or exceptionally lucky) demon fighter to kill them. Here are the classics. |
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| These weaknesses make even the
largest demon vulnerable to the miraculously lucky shot from standard issue swords, spears and arrows. |
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Most really big demons make the mistake of only working on their upper bodies. This makes them top-heavy, and therefore vulnerable to tripping or toppling |
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| Remember to go low. Aim for the
knee-cap, if you can reach. Recite the ancient incantation: "Waxonwaxoff, waxonwaxoff..." to lend extra strength to your feeble limbs. Remember to scream in rage. |
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| This sort of trickery is best left to the very
experienced and the extremely foolhardy. Used by a master these advanced techniques could mince 50 demons an hour, but there's a big downside. |
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| Congratulations. You've now completed our
foundation course "Demon Fighting — Level 1". If you would like a certificate, they are available on-line for 2000 gold pieces (incl. p&p). |
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| GOOD LUCK... | ||||||||||||||||
