Welcome friend, you have chosen Option B: demon fighting. This course covers the basics you need to get started and gives advice for tackling an assortment of beasties.

The Beginner's Attire

The first thing to do is get properly kitted out. Although functionality is a consideration, the main concern when choosing kit should always be to look good...

Clothing
  • Majestic cloak — if all else fails, you can distract the demons with your lovely cloak.
  • Long boots — well, you don't want to fight demons in your school shoes, do you?
  • Glasses — some demons still hold true to the old rule of not hitting anyone in glasses
  • Assorted headgear — style is important, remember. You want to look your best as you're being torn to pieces, limb by limb. 
Weapon of choice

You must always carry an unnecessarily large number of killing instruments such as:

  • Light sabre — an elegant weapon for a demon warrior. More effective than a sword and also safer as it's made of plastic. 
  • Shield — handy for hiding behind when it all gets a bit much.
  • Sword — unless you have a pen, because the pen is always mightier than the sword.
  • Axe — if demon-fighting fails, you can always take up a career as a lumberjack.

The Micro Beasts

The smallest group of demons are the 'Micro Beasts'. These are barely bigger than a tall man and only 50x as strong, so they're good to start on.

Bellymouths & Rasptongues

Bellymouths and Rasptongues look very different, but they have the same basic weakness. Follow these simple rules:

  1. Peg your nose. One sniff of these aromatic stomach-churners and you'll fall madly in love with them. What happens next isn't pretty to say the least, so peg that nose.
  2. Run around them 8 times. They'll try to follow you with their tongues.
  3. On the eighth circuit the tongue will tire and loll while they recoup their energy. At this point pin the tongue to the ground with a jam-coated spike and retreat.
  4. They hate jam so much that they'll bite off their own tongue and bleed to death.
  5. Avoid the blood as it gushes from the writhing stump as it tends to melt away time in the near vicinity of the dying beast.

Limbmunchers

The most effective technique is the good old-fashioned slaying with a broad sword.

You must slice the head clean off on your first go as these creatures possess a grow-new-head-from-partial-wound defence mechanism.

Battle strategy against a limbmuncher:

  1. Impossible to defeat single-handedly — send in a friend to distract it.
  2. Limbmunchers always tear off the arms and legs first.
  3. Allow it to do this — it'll then sit down and start munching for about 38 seconds before going back for the head.
  4. This gives you a 38-second window of opportunity to get up close and slice its head off.

Disguise Demons

'Disguise Demons' aren't particularly scary to look at. But they're a real pain in the butt because they can impersonate or hide themselves in humans.

Flesh-eating Belly Trolls
  1. Human host ingests larvae egg, which grows and develops inside the body.
  2. Recognising one is hard but the host usually develops an unusual taste for 90s boybands such as Backstreet Boys and Westlife (also, hands and ears fall off).
  3. Killing them is easy — they can't survive without a human host, so all you have to do is coax them out.
  4. The best method is to play Hello by Adele at high volume on repeat.
  5. The belly burster will eventually leave the host by bursting through the stomach — this is known as evacuation.
Shape-shifters
  1. As the name suggests, they have the ability to take different forms. They devour the victim (feet first) before assuming their form.
  2. They are often disguised as close friends, pets, and minor celebrities.
  3. Tricky to spot — the secret is that they always have the same volume, so watch for friends suddenly gaining or losing body mass.
  4. Killing them — get them to turn into an inanimate object, like a fridge. This transformation is irreversible as the object doesn't have a brain to think about turning back. Try to initiate a 'pretending to be a fridge' competition or similar. 

The Real Biggies

Real big demons can cause problems. Not only are they really, really big, but they're really tall and heavy too. Here are some pointers:

Tactic One — FIND THE WEAK POINTS

All really big demons have obscure and unlikely weaknesses which allow the knowledgeable (or exceptionally lucky) demon fighter to kill them.

These weaknesses make even the largest demon vulnerable to the miraculously lucky shot from standard issue swords, spears, and arrows. 

Tactic Two — SWEEP THE LEGS

Most really big demons make the mistake of only working on their upper bodies. This makes them top-heavy, and therefore vulnerable to tripping or toppling.

Remember to go low. Aim for the knee-cap, if you can reach. Recite the ancient incantation: "Waxonwaxoff, waxonwaxoff..." to lend extra strength to your feeble limbs. Remember to scream in rage.

Tactic Three — BEFRIEND AN EVEN LARGER DEMON

 

A Few Final Tips for Happy Demon-Slaying

Remember these basic rules:
  1. Never walk at either the front or the back of the group — these people always get killed first.
  2. Never carry a gun — it'll get kicked out of your hand and you'll have to resort to unarmed combat anyway.
Be a good person...

The good one never dies. If you're the main character, you probably won't get your extremities ripped off and scattered to the wicked winds. Here are some top tips on gaining 'Main Character' status:

  • Have a noble cause e.g. to avenge your best friend's gruesome death. If your best friend is inconveniently living, try to encourage them to try their luck against a mutated, ill-tempered, multi-belly bellymouth (or similar).
  • Assemble a mismatched and unlikely band of other 'slightly feeble and utterly unimportant' demon fighters and 'help' you. Use them as cannon fodder.
Don't hover-sword-burn before you can walk

This sort of trickery is best left to the very experienced and the extremely foolhardy. Used by a master, these advanced techniques could mince 50 demons an hour, but there are a few downsides:

  • The flaming sword attracts fire-demons
  • The angel-wings attract demons who are after a new duvet
  • The hovering attracts health and safety officials (non-demons, but pretty nasty).

With this number of demons nibbling at you, the gigantic, blind ooberdemons will sniff you out and begin mental digestion of your abilities.

"There is no eight-foot seven-headed killing beast"
  1. The most wise and powerful demon-warriors can defeat their enemies without the use of physical means.
  2. A fully-trained mental-warrior understands that the reality in which they find themselves is in fact a computer simulation which can be manipulated.
  3. By merely uttering words such as "there is no 200-foot-high fire-breathing wolf-dragon hybrid" or "I have a really big sword", they can mentally alter the physical world around them.
  4. With this power to create and destroy at will, they are practically invincible. 
  5. Reaching supreme mental-warrior status should be your ultimate ambition. But remember — a mental warrior training course takes 700 years. So don't even think about signing up for it until you've got at least two partial immortality qualifications.
A few random tips to finish with:
  1. Don't spend too long on one demon — look at the number of heads to work out how long to spend on a demon. If you spend too long slaying an easy demon, you'll run out of time before you even get onto the big ones.
  2. Always go back to your slaying at the end — this is just basic slaying common sense, you don't want to leave any demons half-alive.
  3. Get a good night's sleep before — and remember to have breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day.
  4. Write your name and slaying number on your overalls — this sounds obvious, but you'd be amazed how many people forget to do it.
  5. Finally — don't forget to bring a sword.

Congratulations. You've now completed our foundation course 'Demon Fighting — Level 1'. If you would like a certificate, they are available online for 2000 gold pieces (incl. p&p).

GOOD LUCK.

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