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Demon Fighting - Before you begin

Welcome friend, you have chosen Option B, demon fighting. This course covers the
basics you need to get started and gives advice for tackling an assortment of beasties.
 
THE BEGINNER'S ATTIRE
The first thing to do is get properly kitted out. Although functionality is a consideration,
the main concern when choosing kit should always be to look good...
 
MALE
1) Glasses
— some demons still hold true to the old rule of not hitting
a man in glasses.
2) White vest and briefs
— these are simply to give you that masculine edge.
3) Light sabre
— an elegant weapon for the more civilised demon warrior.
More effective than a sword and also safer as it's made of plastic.
4) Cowboy hat
— style is very important, remember. You want to look your best
as you're being torn to pieces limb by limb.
 
 
FEMALE
1) Very big red hair
— an over-sized mane of red, curly locks makes the female
warrior look incredibly beautiful and graceful in battle.
2) Assorted Weaponry
— you must always carry an unnecessarily large number
of killing instruments.
3) Hockey Stick
— the lady warrior's weapon of choice, most effectively applied
with an upwards sweeping motion aimed directly between the
legs of the victim.
4) Mystic amulet thingy
— no-one knows what these do, but they're essential for any female warrior wannabe. They do look cool.
5) Visible flesh and high heels
— used to attract and lure demons to within striking range.
 
The 'Micro Beasts'

 
The smallest group of demons are the 'Micro Beasts'. These are barely bigger
than a tall man and only 50x as strong, so they're good to start on.
 
BELLYMOUTHS & RASPTONGUES
 
Bellymouths and rasptongues look very different, but they have
the same basic weakness. Follow these 3 simple rules.

1) Peg your nose. One sniff of these aromatic stomach-churners
and you'll fall madly in love with them. What happens next isn't
pretty to say the least, so peg that nose.
2) Run around them 8 times. They'll try to follow with their tongues.
3) On the 8th circuit the tongue will tire and loll while they recoup
their energy. At this point pin the tongue to the ground with a
jam-coated spike and retreat.
4) They hate jam so much that they'll bit off their own tongue and
bleed to death.
5) Avoid the blood as it gushes from the writhing stump as it
tends to melt away time in the near vicinity of the dying beast.
 
LIMBMUNCHERS
1)  Most effective technique is the good old-fashioned slaying with a broad sword.
2)  You must slice the head clean off on your first go as these creatures possess
      a grow-new-head-from-partial-wound defense mechanism.
 
Battle strategy against a limbmuncher
1) Impossible to defeat single-handedly
— send in a friend to distract it.
2) Limbmunchers always tear off the arms and legs first.
3) Allow it to do this - it'll then sit down and start munching for
about 38 seconds before going back for the head.
4) This gives you a 38 second window of opportunity to
get up close and slice its head off.
 
'Disguise Demons'

 
"Disguise Demons" aren't particularly scary to look at. But they're a real pain
in the butt because the can impersonate or hide themselves in humans.
 
FLESH-EATING BELLY TROLLS
 
1) Human host ingests larvae egg, which grows and develops
inside the body.
2) Recognising one — the host often develops an unusual taste
for 80s music such as Banarama and Duran Duran (also,
hands and ears fall off).
3) Killing them — they can't survive without a human host, so all
you've got to do is coax them out.
4) The best method is to play Justin Timberlake's Like I Love
You on repeat at high volume.
5) The belly burster will eventually leave the host by bursting
through the stomach — this is known as evacuation.
 
SHAPE-SHIFTERS
 
1) As the name suggests, they have the ability to take
different forms. They devour the victim (feet first)
before assuming their form.
2) Often disguised as close friends, pets and minor celebrities.
3) Tricky to spot — the secret is they always have the same
volume. So watch for friends or pets suddenly gaining or
losing weight (and height).
4) Killing them — get them to turn into an inanimate object, like a
fridge — this transformation is irreversible as the object doesn't
have a brain to think to turn back. Try to initiate a "pretending to
be a fridge" competition or similar.
 
The Real Biggies

 
Real big demons can cause problems. Not only are they really big,
but they're also really tall and heavy too. Here are some pointers.
 
TACTIC ONE — FIND THE WEAK POINTS
 
All really big demons have obscure and unlikely weaknesses which allow the knowledgeable
(or exceptionally lucky) demon fighter to kill them. Here are the classics.
 
 
These weaknesses make even the largest demon vulnerable to the miraculously
lucky shot from standard issue swords, spears and arrows.
 
TACTIC TWO — BEFRIEND AN EVEN LARGER DEMON
 
                      
 
TACTIC THREE — SWEEP THE LEGS
 
Most really big demons make
the mistake of only working
on their upper bodies. This
makes them top-heavy, and
therefore vulnerable to
tripping or toppling
 
Remember to go low. Aim for the knee-cap, if you can reach. Recite the ancient incantation:
"Waxonwaxoff, waxonwaxoff..." to lend extra strength to your feeble limbs. Remember to scream in rage.
 
A Few Final Tips for Happy Demon-Slaying...

 
REMEMBER THESE BASIC RULES
1) The good guy never dies
The main good guy (or girl) never gets their extremities ripped off and scattered to the wicked winds. Here are some top tips on gaining 'Main Good Guy' status.
i) Have a noble cause e.g. to avenge your best friends gruesome death. If your best friend's inconveniently living, try to encourage them to try their luck against a mutated, ill-temperred, multi-belly bellymouth (or similar).
ii) Assemble a mismatched and unlikely band of other 'slightly feeble and utterly unimportant' demon fighters to 'help' you. Use them as cannon fodder.
2) Never walk at either the front or the back of the group
— these people always get killed first.
3) Never carry a gun
— it'll get kicked out of your hand and you'll have to resort to un-armed combat anyway.
 
DONT HOVER-SWORD-BURN BEFORE YOU CAN WALK
This sort of trickery is best left to the very experienced and the extremely foolhardy. Used by a
master these advanced techniques could mince 50 demons an hour, but there's a big downside.
 
1) The flaming sword attracts fire demons.
2) The angel-wings attracts demons after a new duvet.
3) The hovering attracts David Blaine lawyers
(non-demons, but pretty nasty).
4) With this number of demons nibbling at you, the
gigantic blind ooberdemons will sniff you out and
begin mental digestion of your abilities.
 
THERE IS NO EIGHTY-FOOT SEVEN-HEADED KILLING BEAST
1) The most wise and powerful demon-warriors can defeat their enemies without the use of physical means.
2) A fully trained mental-warrior understands that the reality in which they find themselves is in fact a computer simulation which can be manipulated.
3) By merely uttering the words such as "there is no 200 foot high fire-breathing wolf-dragon hybrid" or "I have a really big sword", can mentally-alter the physical world around them.
4) With this power to create and destroy at will, they are practically invincible.
5) Reaching supreme mental-warrior status should be your ultimate ambition. But remember — mental warrior training course takes 700 years. So don't think about signing up for it until you've got at least 2 partial immortality qualifications.
 
A FEW RANDOM TIPS TO FINISH WITH
1) Don't spend too long on one demon
Look at the number of heads to work out how long to spend on a demon. If you spend too long slaying an easy demon, you'll run out of time before you even get onto the big ones.
2) Always go back to your slaying at the end
This is just basic slaying common-sense — you don't want to leave any demons half-alive.
3) Get a good night's sleep the night before
— and remember to have breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day.
4) Write your name and slaying number on your overalls
This sounds obvious, but you'd be amazed how many people forget to do it.
5) Finally — don't forget to bring a sword
 
Congratulations. You've now completed our foundation course "Demon Fighting — Level 1".
If you would like a certificate, they are available on-line for 2000 gold pieces (incl. p&p).
 
GOOD LUCK...